


one of my criminal friends

by skirt (orphan_account)



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, F/M, Kid Fic, Post Reichenbach, fem!seb, one stupid homestuck reference, they don't have a kid together i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-01
Updated: 2013-06-01
Packaged: 2017-12-13 15:05:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/825686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/skirt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You raised an eyebrow, “Since when do you call me ‘James’?”</p><p>“I call you that in my head when you’re pissing me off. But this is my flat and I don’t work for you anymore, so I think I can call you what I like. Don’t change the question,” Séb narrowed her eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	one of my criminal friends

**Author's Note:**

> this is so bad and ooc hahaha i'm sorry omg

You opened the front door as silently as you could, stepping into the flat, but before you’d even gotten off the mat, there was a handgun at your forehead. You followed the gun down a pair of bare arms that lead to a small, yet fit, girl with shoulder length blonde hair and an angry expression on her face.  


“Hello, Sébby dear,” you greeted her with a smile.  


It took Sébastienne a few seconds to realize who was at her door, but not too long. She was a smart girl, but sometimes she was a bit slow on the uptake. You watched her facial expressions change rapidly from angry to confusion to upset to angry again. She lowered the gun from your face and brought it down to her side, and you gave her another small smile. She absentmindedly flipped the safety on and off, over and over while she simply stared at your face with a frown on hers.  


You rolled your eyes, growing impatient. “Are you going to invite me in?”  


She turned around without saying anything and entered the main area of her flat. She gave a small wave of her hand to indicate for you to come. You slipped off your shoes and left them at the door before following her into the living room. Sébastienne was sitting on her shabby looking couch with her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around her legs. She didn’t look angry or upset anymore, only curious. She was angry though, you knew that. She got better at hiding her emotions with every passing day. You sat at the other end of the couch, giving yourself a mental note to buy her new furniture.  


“I’m assuming you have questions,” you stated while crossing your legs and leaning back.  


Sébastienne frowned, “Well, obviously. How are you even here right now? You shot yourself in the head. We cremated you!”  


“I know where to aim,” you explained with a shrug. “And that was only someone disguised as me.”  


“But a bullet still went through your skull!” She spoke through gritted teeth. You knew she was getting angry with you, but that was expected. “Aren’t you brain damaged now or something like that?”  


A small frown slipped onto your face before you could stop it. There wasn’t really a reason to pretend like that question didn’t bother you just a bit. She might be pissed at you, but she’d accept whatever dumb thing you got yourself stuck in. “Yes. Only a bit though. Apparently I have better aim than anyone would have thought.” She raised an eyebrow and you knew to continue. You might be her boss and she wouldn’t hurt you, but you didn’t want her to be annoyed with you for taking too long. “Where do you think I’ve been for the last three years?” Sébastienne didn’t respond to the question, so you kept going. “Physical and mental therapy, love.”  


“For what? You seem fine.”  


You rolled your eyes, “Of course I seem fine. That’s what the therapy was for. It’s the mental damage that you can’t see and that’s the majority of the problem anyway.”  


“Don’t be a smartass, Jim,” she shot at you. “I’m asking what’s wrong with you. Mentally and physically.”  


You shrugged, “Lots of things. Couldn’t grasp anything for six months. A doorknob, maybe, because it was big enough, but only if I tried hard enough, except it hurt like hell and was easier to just let someone do it for me,” you explained while relaxing into the couch just a bit more. “And then there’s the whole amnesia thing. I can’t remember anything from that day, or much from the first few weeks of recovery.” She gave another small frown; hardly noticeable unless one was paying attention, which you were, obviously. “And don’t even get me started on the headaches,” you said jokingly.  


Sébastienne rolled her eyes before her arms tightened around her legs. “Sounds shitty. Why did you wait for such a long time to show up?”  


“Wasn’t time to come back until now. Now is the perfect moment; I’m sure of that.”  


“That didn’t answer the question,” she said flatly.  


You thought about how to phrase your explanation for just a fraction of a second. “I wasn’t ready. It’s a bit difficult to run the world’s largest organized criminal ring if you can’t even remember your own name half the time.”  


She nodded slowly. “I understand.”  


You gave her a nod back. “I knew you would.” A comfortable silence fell between you and her.  


“Are you alright though?” She asked with genuine concern etched into her face. “Overall, that is.”  


“For the most part, I suppose. Wouldn’t be here if I weren’t, now would I?” You explained with your infamous grin.  


She let out a quiet laugh before returning to her stoic look. Séb stood and walked into her kitchen. “Do you want some tea or coffee or anything?” She called back to you. You heard the flick of her turning on an electric kettle and the clink of her setting mugs on the counter.  


“Tea would be lovely,” you responded, standing and following her. Séb was sitting atop the counter near the sink with her legs crossed. She appeared to be deep in thought (to be expected, of course) and didn’t notice you enter. You placed your hand on her knee and she jumped a bit. “Are you alright?” You asked, returning her own question from before.  


Séb frowned, “Yes, I’m just… thinking.”  


You nodded. “Care to share?”  


She furrowed her eyebrows for a moment before letting out a sigh. “Yeah, I guess.” She slid down from the counter. “First things first though, have you been spying on me?”  


“No,” you replied honestly with a shake of your head, “I had all the cameras taken down a month after you started working for me. The only time anyone watched you was to find out where you lived now, and that was nearly a fortnight ago.” She nodded as you spoke. “So anything you tell me will most likely be news.”  


Séb nodded and placed her hands on her hips. “Alright. Well… er, did you know that I don’t live alone?”  


“Flatmates? Or a boyfriend?” You asked, tilting your head to the side with curiosity.  


She shook her head. “Come with me, I’ll show you.” Sébastienne exited the kitchen and went down the short hallway at the other end of the flat and up a set of stairs. You followed close behind, not really sure what to expect. She stopped at the first door on the right. It was covered in colourful stickers and had a label stating ‘Kanaya’ in delicate green letters. “Don’t make any loud noises or you’ll wake her up,” she whispered before opening the door to a young girl’s well-decorated room.  


You blinked. Séb didn’t seem like the mothering type whatsoever, considering she was an ex-assassin, had guns in her house, and was normally cold and distant; but she was one of those people who constantly surprised you. “Kanaya,” you read off the sign, “pretty.”  


“No, no, it’s pronounced ‘Kan-eye-uh’, not ‘Kan-ay-ah’,” she explained.  


“Oh. That’s even nicer.” Séb closed the door. “What made you choose that name?”  


She shrugged, turning to go back downstairs. “Found it on the internet. There’s this alien named Kanaya in a comic I read like six pages of. But she seemed cool so I went with it.” You snorted. Having no meaning behind the things she does has always been her signature.  


“How old is she?”  


“She’s two and a half. Her birthday’s on Valentine’s Day. And before you ask, no, I don’t know who her father is,” she said flatly.  


You nodded, “Would you like me to give you the resources find out?”  


She pulled a box of tea out of the cupboard and placed a bag in both of the mugs and began to pour the water in. “No, I don’t think I want to know. If she wants to know when she’s older, I’ll find out for her. But it’s probably some guy I met at a bar once and never saw again, so,” she shrugged, “I’d just rather not know unless necessary.” She slid your mug down the counter to you and muttered an apology and something about needing to buy more sugar and milk.  


Sébastienne turned around and leaned back, taking a small sip of her tea. “So why are you here, anyway?”  


You picked up your own mug and brought it up to your mouth. “Simply dropping in to say hello, love,” you explained before taking a sip yourself.  


“It’s 4:02 in the morning,” she said with a glance at the clock on the stove. “Don’t give me that bullshit, James. Why are you really here?”  


You raised an eyebrow, “Since when do you call me ‘James’?”  


“I call you that in my head when you’re pissing me off. But this is my flat and I don’t work for you anymore, so I think I can call you what I like. But don’t change the question,” Séb narrowed her eyes.  


You blew the steam off of the top of your tea while thinking. “Suppose I don’t really have a reason, then. But who else would I go visit, hm?”  


She frowned, “I’m the only one you’ve seen?”  


You replied with a short nod.  


“Oh. Thought you’d have gone to see all of your criminal friends,” she said with air quotes around the last bit.  


You chuckled, “You are one of my criminal friends, dear.”  


Séb gave a wide grin. “Yeah, guess I am.”

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you don't want to kill me for wasting your time with a terrible fic


End file.
